JOB OPPORTUNITY!

So get this, while I was grocery shopping the other day, I bumped into a fellow climber.  You can always tell because of the wardrobe, no need to elaborate here, we all know what most climbers look like and this guy was definitely one of them.  Besides, we were both buying ‘organic’ produce and that sealed the deal for me.  So I asked if he’d had any luck on the rocks lately, finding enough stuff that’s dry to climb?   We talked about the Smoke Bluffs, the Grand Wall boulders and then of Dreamcatcher, wondering if it was dry or not.  For those of you wondering I suspect not, still WAY too much snow, but I’ll go out and take a look in a couple more weeks.

Getting on with the story, this guy commented on my webpage and said he enjoyed reading the blog, it was great to hear in person and I still can’t tell if he said it to be nice, or if he really meant it, either way it brought a tear to my eye.  Then he asked what blogs I enjoy reading myself, if any?  When climbers are shredding, I usually read the buzz that floats around, Bishop stuff, Ethan stuff, Kevin J stuff, ukclimbing.com and planetmountain.   But then it occurred to me, that the worlds most famous climber doesn’t blog.  What the fuck?  Of course Sharma doesn’t have to worry much about his budget and he obviously climbs too much to concern himself with writing about it too.  And that’s when it hit me.

If I was a young dirtbag climber all over again, I’d work overtime at my local climbing gym, I’d belay 100 birthday parties, scrub 100 holds, set 100 routes, instruct 100 courses, I’d even offer forearm messages at the front desk for anyone who’s trying to ‘repoint’ their yellow taped proj, “10 dollars for ten minutes” and save, borrow or hustle up enough clams for a one way ticket to Spain BABY YAH.  Where dreams come true.

Now here’s the goods.  You set up an account or a website even, that reads, chrissharma.blogspot.com and you get HIS sponsors to front you some cash.  Now, your job becomes his job, except you won’t be the guy climbing 5.15, you’ll be writing about it from the ground.  Here’s what we want, blow by blow account of each move he does, each grunt and each scream, lets organize some sort of ‘decibel’ scale so that we can visualize how hard he’s trying.  No I’m fucking serious about this, this would WORK.  You don’t even need to get up on a rope, just sit at the base of the crag, carry a laptop, a voice recorder, a camcorder, a still camera with a HUGE zoom, and just document everything.  What he eats, where he lives, how much he sleeps.  When he’s off meditating at the crag, you can film that shit, leave no stoner unturned.  After a few months, you may even need to hire an assistant for more angles and better coverage, this way you can have more free time to climb more routes in a day.   ADVERTISEMENT: “Creepy blogger seeking climbing legend paparazzi staff: must enjoy long nights in sleeping bags, dirty clothes, spaghetti and peanut butter”.  After a while you’d have three or four web-masters working under you.  It would be like ‘Big UP’ all day long.  Just tune in and watch, maybe he’s making a sandwich, maybe he’s drilling a new route, maybe a 5.13+ or a 5.15- it doesn’t matter, here in North America we want to know what’s going on.  Is he hatching plans for 5.16?  Is he more interested in painting watercolors than climbing?  Does he shave his chest regularly?  How many girlfriends does he have?  What?  We want to know, dammit, we deserve to know.

you’d sort of be like this guy in the background, you wouldn’t have to be friends with him, just a silent stalker really.

So, someone get your ass in gear, shit, better put it in overdrive and save your bones, then quit your job and be a self made entrepreneur in SPAIN, all the brunettes and boxed wine you can drink.  You could put Warren Harding to shame.  I would like to throw my vote in the hat if I could, WIG from pimpinandcrimpin.com.  Dude, you got the funniest voice on the scene right now, better get on with it while the iron is hot.  OH and if you go, and it miraculously works, maybe you’d be so kind to cut me a 10% finders fee?  I could use the extra cash, we all know that organic produce in BC isn’t cheap.  Wink, Wink.

After a few years in business, once you get over the initial hump, you could be living here.

And driving this.

  • Kind of like that guy who seemed to be Sharma’s designated spotter throughout all of Free Hueco? Maybe he could do it.

  • lolerskates

    Are you sure you’re not American? This is a classic USofA-style plot. You know, make up a job where you don’t really “work” in any traditional sense, get famous, get rich, die young.

  • A Sharma version of the Truman Show, I like it. So many questions remain unanswered about the great man: Does he floss? Boxers or briefs? What conditioner does he use to get that all important “rockstar” look? The list goes on….

  • J V

    Ha!

  • Sonnie

    Julian, nope, not American, but maybe all that time I spent bumming around California rubbed off on me, I do find the Uhmerican culture to be quite fascinating, if not at least entertaining. But you know, us Canadians aren’t as far off as people may think. We’re just a colder, less populated, less ambitious version of the big five-O.

  • this would cut against the very grain of blogging: talking mad shit. i could be into this job, but i’d be the obie character from rampage, like, when he gets all indignant about the topic of “chillin'”… saw sharma and graham working terramer a few years back and the picture was priceless… sharma was lying with his head on a rolled up sweatshirt lazily popping gummi bears or something like that in his mouth, chewing slow style like a cow… no, slower… like not having a care in the world… no rush… and there dave was pacing a 15ft invisible path back and forth back and forth talking to himself at hyperspeed about variations, subtleties, and tweaks he could do to his beta and analyzing why he fell on the last go.

    so, here’s the sharma blog template text for every post: today, chris was mellow. then he crushed some shit. a bunch of doods and chicks really seemed psyched, and he smiled a little bit, i think. then he was totally mellow again.

    whoever gets the job can thank me now and maybe send me some beer or something… or maybe send it to the fool who has to blog on behalf of graham… that person will need it for sure. graham has so much energy that when he dies of old age, this solar system will implode… more of a systemic energy loss than if the sun goes out.

    for sure.

    hear these words, they are nothing but truthful.

    now, sonnie, more climbing photos! the public demands it.

  • I think Wig is too busy with his current occupation of not-doing-shit-in-Golden to take on another project. But I agree, if he managed to pry himself away and pawn off a kidney to buy a plane ticket it could provide us some interesting dribble.

  • supafly

    sockhands: funny funny funny

    remember the thing about mother theresa? when she died someone found her diary and it included some stuff about the fact that she was “tormented by a crisis of belief for 50 years”.

    maybe one day we’ll find the sharmeisters diary and it’ll be full of entries about how “hard he was trying to appear so visibly calm all the time” and how “difficult it was to maintain the unkempt hair look every day” and how “he wished he had the blogging skillz of that sonnie guy”.

    that sharma man.. what’s he ever done on grit?

  • lolz

  • Hahaha, thanks for that 5.15 of climbing writing, i splited my axis. The thing it´s no only about grades, holds, highbollocking…
    Good job.

  • caroline

    Sounds like a great job. Going to Siurana in April might do a little bit of sleuthing while I am there if he is around. Last time I was there saw him having a glass of wine in Toni’s bar. I was powered by the fuel of vino tinto at the time and wanted to go chat, as you do with alcohol confidence, but thought that Dalia would crush me with her little finger so decided to view from afar.
    Will let you know how i get on.

  • Wow! Spending the day in the sunshine, photographing/filming/generally documenting Sharma’s every move? Sounds like my perfect job!

  • Greg

    Kinada sound like a drag following someones every move and then posting it online
    not a lot of time left

  • Mike

    sort of like freelance journalism to fluff the resume more or less ;). the climbing papparazi hahaha.

  • Suzanne

    Heh! You are funny :))

  • joel

    job’s filled: guy’s name is josh lowell

  • Lee

    Gold!

  • Classic. “let no stoner unturned”- Amazing. Where do you come up with this shit sonnie? it must just be a gift.

  • John

    Surely you don’t expect us to believe that it really is Sonnie Trotter that writes this blog?
    Sonnie Trotter is too busy with climbing and other cool stuff to be sat in front of a computer getting all gushy and philosophical…

    So, who are you really? Didier Berthod? Did you ever catch up with that angel that pushed you from the last moves of the Cobra Crack?

  • allison

    frick – this is hilarious. i second that – no stoner unturned. genius. The best part is how you completely thought out this whole thing, from the beginning, to the expansion of assistants, to success with a ridiculous sports car. hilarity.

  • brilliant. i’m scrubbing a huge pile of holds as i run laps on my rosetta stone spanish learnin’ kit.

    sockhands made me roflmao. fo real. roflmao.

    -tisse

  • if no sports car, perhaps a second-hand kia with a missing VIN?

  • Sonnie

    yah, sure then, a “red hot” Kia, that totally works, I can only imagine you’re saying that because you’re thinking you’d like to save some extra money for those weekend trips to your marble villa in Mallorca, I can appreciate that. So Tissue, when should we expect the first installment then?

  • Eric

    You can find out a lot about what Sharma is doing from his girlfriend’s blog:
    http://englishdailaojeda.blogspot.com/

  • Eric

    Or if you speak Spanish, check out the Spanish version, which is more detailed:
    http://dailaojeda.blogspot.com/