So get this, while I was grocery shopping the other day, I bumped into a fellow climber. You can always tell because of the wardrobe, no need to elaborate here, we all know what most climbers look like and this guy was definitely one of them. Besides, we were both buying ‘organic’ produce and that sealed the deal for me. So I asked if he’d had any luck on the rocks lately, finding enough stuff that’s dry to climb? We talked about the Smoke Bluffs, the Grand Wall boulders and then of Dreamcatcher, wondering if it was dry or not. For those of you wondering I suspect not, still WAY too much snow, but I’ll go out and take a look in a couple more weeks.
Getting on with the story, this guy commented on my webpage and said he enjoyed reading the blog, it was great to hear in person and I still can’t tell if he said it to be nice, or if he really meant it, either way it brought a tear to my eye. Then he asked what blogs I enjoy reading myself, if any? When climbers are shredding, I usually read the buzz that floats around, Bishop stuff, Ethan stuff, Kevin J stuff, ukclimbing.com and planetmountain. But then it occurred to me, that the worlds most famous climber doesn’t blog. What the fuck? Of course Sharma doesn’t have to worry much about his budget and he obviously climbs too much to concern himself with writing about it too. And that’s when it hit me.
If I was a young dirtbag climber all over again, I’d work overtime at my local climbing gym, I’d belay 100 birthday parties, scrub 100 holds, set 100 routes, instruct 100 courses, I’d even offer forearm messages at the front desk for anyone who’s trying to ‘repoint’ their yellow taped proj, “10 dollars for ten minutes” and save, borrow or hustle up enough clams for a one way ticket to Spain BABY YAH. Where dreams come true.
Now here’s the goods. You set up an account or a website even, that reads, chrissharma.blogspot.com and you get HIS sponsors to front you some cash. Now, your job becomes his job, except you won’t be the guy climbing 5.15, you’ll be writing about it from the ground. Here’s what we want, blow by blow account of each move he does, each grunt and each scream, lets organize some sort of ‘decibel’ scale so that we can visualize how hard he’s trying. No I’m fucking serious about this, this would WORK. You don’t even need to get up on a rope, just sit at the base of the crag, carry a laptop, a voice recorder, a camcorder, a still camera with a HUGE zoom, and just document everything. What he eats, where he lives, how much he sleeps. When he’s off meditating at the crag, you can film that shit, leave no stoner unturned. After a few months, you may even need to hire an assistant for more angles and better coverage, this way you can have more free time to climb more routes in a day. ADVERTISEMENT: “Creepy blogger seeking climbing legend paparazzi staff: must enjoy long nights in sleeping bags, dirty clothes, spaghetti and peanut butter”. After a while you’d have three or four web-masters working under you. It would be like ‘Big UP’ all day long. Just tune in and watch, maybe he’s making a sandwich, maybe he’s drilling a new route, maybe a 5.13+ or a 5.15- it doesn’t matter, here in North America we want to know what’s going on. Is he hatching plans for 5.16? Is he more interested in painting watercolors than climbing? Does he shave his chest regularly? How many girlfriends does he have? What? We want to know, dammit, we deserve to know.
you’d sort of be like this guy in the background, you wouldn’t have to be friends with him, just a silent stalker really.
So, someone get your ass in gear, shit, better put it in overdrive and save your bones, then quit your job and be a self made entrepreneur in SPAIN, all the brunettes and boxed wine you can drink. You could put Warren Harding to shame. I would like to throw my vote in the hat if I could, WIG from pimpinandcrimpin.com. Dude, you got the funniest voice on the scene right now, better get on with it while the iron is hot. OH and if you go, and it miraculously works, maybe you’d be so kind to cut me a 10% finders fee? I could use the extra cash, we all know that organic produce in BC isn’t cheap. Wink, Wink.
After a few years in business, once you get over the initial hump, you could be living here.
And driving this.